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I am Naked. How about you ?

I guess once you cross the age barrier of 50 you tend to do introspection more frequently than before. I have noticed this change in me. I am not a big believer of god, heaven or hell. So, this can’t be because of any fear of losing out on something in my life ‘after death’. I am still an arrogant person and so it is not even a symptom of turning humble. If I find an answer I will surely share it with all of you but at this point of time I have started doing this without knowing why I am doing this wretched thing.
I live in an upscale apartment complex where we have decided that maids, drivers and other daily workers don’t deserve to travel in the same elevator as we residents do. But, I am a vocal critic of the government whenever atrocities happen against Dalits.
I have another apartment which I have rented out. At the time of renting out, I had instructed the broker to avoid people from a particular community. But, I have raised my voice against the government for being anti-minority.
We celebrate many functions in the residential complex where I live. This is supposed to bring together everybody and help in ‘bonding’. But, we don’t invite the security people who guard our property. We don’t even know the names of the security guards!!!!!. Do I know the name of the Inspector of the Police Station which is responsible for my area ? Have I even met him once to say ‘Hello’ in the last 50 years ? Have we invited these policemen for any functions in our residential complex ? The answer is a BIG ‘NO”. But, I expect these policemen to take care of my daughter and her friends when they go out for New Year’s eve party in crowded MG Road area.
My hypocrisy doesn’t end here. Have I not told lies to my parents when I was young ? Am I not lying to my wife and friends even now ? Have I not kept my office colleagues away from my inner social circle because they all knew what an asshole I was at work ? But, with a straight face I tell all the youngsters  to be honest and truthful with their parents.
During our younger days we never had ‘you tube’, mobile phones and data network. If I have not watched porn videos as much as the kids of today, it is because of lack of access and not because we were ‘saintly’. But, I criticise any political leader who is caught watching porn video on his mobile phone and lament how the present generation is going astray.
Even today when I meet my friends the hot topic is ‘women’ and most of the jokes that we share on whatsapp are ‘women-centric’. The only difference between me and the supposedly uneducated people is that the jokes that I share with my friends are in English although the content is the same. But, I am a vocal critic of sexual harassment.
I have enjoyed movies like ‘Three Idiots’ and ‘P.K’. But my admiration for those movies have not translated into any action on ground as I continue to ‘encourage’ kids to become doctors and engineers. I even encourage them to pray before every exam!!
I am also extremely selfish and my opinions change based on ‘what is in it for me’ concept. I backed Prime Minister Modi till stock markets  liked him. But lately I have found difficulty in selling some of my real estate assets because those who had cash to buy have disappeared after demonitisation. Now I am angry with Modi……Grrrrrr. Worse still, I have started listening to what Rahul Gandhi is saying these days. Can I fall any further ? I hope I find a buyer for my real estate assets soon before I start listening to Mayavati and Lalu Prasad Yadav.
Now, my social media contacts are only those who know my success which I have carefully circulated myself. So, I have no dearth of friends who seek my advice and that keeps my ego quite bloated. I continue to make my arm chair comments. I criticise Modi’s ministers as sycophants knowing fully well that I sucked up to my bosses during my working days and did everything that my owners asked me to do. I advice kids to be brave and voice their opinion fearlessly knowing fully well that I didn’t have the guts to take a day off when my wife was desperately in need of my help at home. With a straight face I tell everybody now not to hesitate to quit a job that they don’t like knowing fully well that I cursed my way to office for years. My advices these days are endless and most of them are exactly what I didn’t have the guts to do during my working days.
My only worry – How long will these pretensions of mine go on ? Surely, one day some kid will find the emperor naked !!! Like me are you also ‘nakedly’ worried or fully clothed ?

You can love or hate a FOUR LETTER word. But can you really IGNORE it ?

I am a deep embarrassment to my wife whenever I get into animated discussions on Politics and Economics with people we know. Whenever I have to forcefully put across my views, I embrace the much loved four letter word. Fortunately in our Hindu culture the dead are cremated. Otherwise, my dead dad who was an excellent english teacher would have been wriggling in his grave hearing his son using the four letter word so freely. But my wife is a worthy grand daughter of a man who worked under the British and followed the British to the ‘T’ when it came to the use of British language.
This got me thinking. Why do I love this FOUR letter word so much ? Surely the word is hardly used for what it is intended to be. Imagine yourself telling somebody how bad the day was. What conveys your feelings better ? – “I had an awful day” or ” I had a real f***ed up day” ? My vote goes for the latter. How would you want to express your displeasure when your son breaks something which is very valuable ? – “How could you do this ?” or “What the f*** did you do just now ?”. I think the second one will make sure your other valuable items remain safe for a long time.
As you see, the FOUR letter word can convey your  feelings much better. It actually gives an emotional coating to other words of your statements and arguments. Why are we then so embarrassed when our kids use it in their conversations? Is it because we associate this word only to sex when our kids start using it ?
That brings me to my next worry. Can we really avoid and IGNORE this word ? Earlier only English movies had to be switched off to avoid this word. Now, you need to stay alone in a secluded place to avoid this. Every second sentence that is said is perfectly laced with this beautiful word. Instead of punishing our kids (I mean emotionally) for using this word, should we not explain the virtue of this word (!!!!!) to them ? Before you ask me whether I have done it, let me share my pleasant surprise when my daughter expressed her disgust about mathematics with this lovely four letter word and saved me the trouble of any further explanation.
Are our kids really  waiting for our permission to use this word ? My doubts were cleared when I overheard a 7 seven year old telling his friend why he can’t play till 7 pm – “If I don’t go home before 6.30 pm, my dad and mom will f*** my happiness”.
Three cheers to the FOUR letter word. By the way, MODI is a four letter name and he is surely f***ing the happiness of many people.

‘Buddhas’ in the making…………….???

I have a friend who visits me every Sunday evening. Frankly I can’t make up my mind whether I look forward to his visit or not. He is actually a nice guy but a little weird in his thinking. What I hate in him is his habit of pushing me into an uncomfortable state of mind before leaving.

I envy my wife and daughter. Both of them are voracious readers. I sometimes wonder how can one read so much. I can’t read more than five to six pages of any book without yawning twenty times – that is an average of 4 yawns per sheet. This is bothering me big time and I decided that I should learn to concentrate more. So, I decided to start with a book which is small and which talked about a subject of which I already knew a little bit – The book ‘Siddhartha’.

For my non – Indian friends a two line introduction is necessary. Siddhartha is the Prince who became Buddha later when he renounced all luxuries of life. His father King Suddhodana had tried his best to keep him away from the miseries of life so that Prince Siddhartha would eventually become a king and succeed him.

I was making some good progress – less yawns per page and more pages per hour when my friend rang the bell. For the next one hour we discussed everything under the sun – Kohli’s centuries, Nirav Modi’s con game, Madhavan’s performance in the new Amazon Prime Video…….to name a few. I was feeling great because I did most of the talking and my friend didn’t say anything which made me uncomfortable. This was too good to be true and I secretly started wishing that he would leave soon so that I can stay in that ‘happy zone’.

He looked at the book I was reading and said – “We are bringing up so many Siddharthas in our society. I wonder how many will turn out to be Buddhas”. I pretended as if I understood this statement but my face showed that I couldn’t get what he was pointing at. The choice was to stay quiet or gulp down the ego and ask for clarification. Reluctantly I did the latter.

His explanation was simple. Today we are bringing up our children just like what King Suddhodana did to Siddhartha. We ‘protect’ them in every possible way – from other bullying children both in class and in the neighbourhood, from public transport, from nearby slums, from even tough teachers and the list is endless. We provide them all the gadgets and keep them away from most of domestic chores. They are oblivious to even the problems of their own parents. They are growing up in an environment where Air travel is the basic mode of transport and car is the basic necessity. They have no exposure to the lives of ‘have nots’.

What happens when these kids grow up and move out of this protected environment? This is the multi-million dollar question. Can they turn into Buddhas or we will end up with two different societies – one with Siddharthas and the other with ‘have nots’.

My friend left my place three hours back but I am still feeling uncomfortable.

Justice Ganguly – why did you play a reverse sweep on the last day in office ?????

We were all jumping with joy when Justice Ganguly cancelled all the 122 licenses issued by Raja. We felt he nailed the last nail in UPA government’s coffin. But the euphoria didn’t last long as my wicked friend walked in with a grumpy look on his face. He was livid because according to him Justice Ganguly bailed UPA government out of the 2G mess.

I was shocked but based on my previous experiences with him, wanted to know why. Here is his analysis.

The whole 2G scam and the adverse perceptions are completely based on the magic figure of the loss estimated by CAG at 1,76,000 Crores. A common man will only remember this number and will not bother about other technicalities. Left to itself, this number would have haunted Congress and the UPA till the next election in 2014.

By canceling the licenses and ordering a fresh issue within 4 months, Justice Ganguly gave an opportunity for Congress to auction these. Now, what happens ? Any corporate with its senses right will never venture into telecom sector and if somebody does, they will never bid a high amount. In all probability, the auctioned licenses will get not more than the fixed amount obtained before cancellation.

This will throw the estimated loss figure of 1,76,000 Crores out of the window. Congress will go to town singing the song that Kapil Sibal was right when he said there was Zero loss. This will take the wind out of the 2G scam for ever !!!!!

I was completely paralyzed by this analysis. Now I have a question for Justice Ganguly – You batted your entire career with a Straight bat but why did you play the reverse sweep off the last ball ??

Is Sachin a dreaded “ 6 letter word ” ?

We have lost another test by an innings and again everybody is giving his expert suggestions. Bishen Singh Bedi was lamenting as if his close relative or friend died at a very young age and Saurav suddenly started preaching about how to win on overseas pitches.  Kapil Dev completely forgot that he frustrated even small babies for 2 years to take 34 wickets (in 32 innings) to achieve the record of 434 wickets and talked about why young blood should replace Dravid and Laxman.

But, surprisingly everyone was silent on Sachin. They saw what none of us saw – fluent batting!!!!!! He is equally old and was worse than Dravid in the number of runs scored in Perth. If Dravid got bowled in both innings, he was LBW in both. How does that make him better ? Nobody is asking for his blood.

Fortunately for selectors, ICC did what selectors could never do. Dhoni got one match ban.    Going forward, we should request ICC to ban all eleven players whenever there is a slip up. That way, we can play new teams very frequently.

Indian cricket team is like Indian politics now. Nobody wants to govern the country and nobody wants to captain the cricket team.

The blame game was also quite interesting. Duncan Fletcher was done to death. I am wondering why we didn’t blame Gautam Gambhir’s wife ? After his marriage he has refused to spend more time on the pitch. Is this not fatal attraction ? I believe Sachin’s son was also there bowling to Indian batsmen and misleading them about the pace of the 22 yard playing surface.

In all this frustration, only one man is very happy. Our own Bajji. He must be thanking his stars for being not selected for this tour.

As far as Sachin is concerned, whether he plays some more tests or not, for now he can kiss the “Bharat Ratna” award good bye.

Sehwag will make a great Statistics Teacher

The way Sehwag is batting in Australia, it is only a matter of time before he has to find some other profession to make a living. Since he already owns an international school, he has an opportunity to become a great teacher in Statistics.

One of the concepts the kids struggle to understand in Statistics is Mean, Median, Mode and Standard Deviation. It is always very difficult to give examples of how a Mean can be a big number when the Mode can represent a small number and how a standard deviation can be used to show poor level of consistency.

Sehwag has to just write down his scores in the last 5 years and every kid will become  a master in Statistics. Probably, it will be the only example in the world of mathematics where Mean can be as high as 50+ and Mode a guaranteed 0. Standard Deviation will probably go through the roof.

So, Sehwag has really got something to make a living. What will Kohli do ? I think teaching Piano may be a good option where “Fingers” can be used effectively. Since Ashwin may not make it big in Cricket, teaching Carrom is the next best option. Anyway, he is familiar with carrom ball – he just needs to change the balls to coins.

Laxman can become a groundsman as you may have noticed how he taps the pitch hundred times before every ball is bowled. He can also choose to be a priest as he is good at muttering lots of prayers when batting.

Dravid can be a quality inspector in any wood cutting industry and can tell how a wood is cut just by hearing the sound. His ears are tuned to the sound after being bowled so many times in the last ten test matches.

So, when these cricketers retire or forced to retire, they do have an alternate profession. As far as Scahin is concerned, no comments. May be he will play a few more years following in the foot steps of Kapil Dev (who frustrated everybody to death) and probably my grandson or granddaughter will watch him scoring that hundredth century that we are all looking forward to.

Why this “Middle Finger di ?”

The Middle Finger is in the news recently although for all the wrong reasons. It is quite unfortunate that a part of God’s own creation is not given equal importance. All other fingers are used for various purposes and people don’t take offense to them.

Umpires sometimes give completely wrong decisions using the forefinger. Nobody objects to it even if it is used against our own Sachin. We have all used our little finger many times during our childhood to show desperate situations and our teachers have understood and respected it by allowing us to run to the toilet. Children have used their thumb effectively and we call them cute when they are caught sucking it. Another finger which is just next to our villain is the most respected and used for wearing the wedding ring.

As you can see, all fingers have respect – although some more than the other – except our dear Middle Finger.  When people try to give respect to it by raising it, you are fined big time  – sometimes lakhs as Kohli found out recently.

Looks like Middle Finger can do nothing right on its own. Then why did god give this to us ? Every child is told right from day one not to use this but nobody tells why it is there in the first place if it is not to be used.

Probably the only explanation is that it is a very powerful weapon of mass destruction. If used even for a few seconds, it  will be known world wide. It also attracts the attention of everybody around the world. Everybody and his or her uncle knows what it stands for. Only the brave can use it and it is not for weak hearted people.

Now my respect for it has gone up multifold. Thanks Kohli and Ishant. You two have made the Middle Finger proud.