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Sehwag will make a great Statistics Teacher


The way Sehwag is batting in Australia, it is only a matter of time before he has to find some other profession to make a living. Since he already owns an international school, he has an opportunity to become a great teacher in Statistics.

One of the concepts the kids struggle to understand in Statistics is Mean, Median, Mode and Standard Deviation. It is always very difficult to give examples of how a Mean can be a big number when the Mode can represent a small number and how a standard deviation can be used to show poor level of consistency.

Sehwag has to just write down his scores in the last 5 years and every kid will become  a master in Statistics. Probably, it will be the only example in the world of mathematics where Mean can be as high as 50+ and Mode a guaranteed 0. Standard Deviation will probably go through the roof.

So, Sehwag has really got something to make a living. What will Kohli do ? I think teaching Piano may be a good option where “Fingers” can be used effectively. Since Ashwin may not make it big in Cricket, teaching Carrom is the next best option. Anyway, he is familiar with carrom ball – he just needs to change the balls to coins.

Laxman can become a groundsman as you may have noticed how he taps the pitch hundred times before every ball is bowled. He can also choose to be a priest as he is good at muttering lots of prayers when batting.

Dravid can be a quality inspector in any wood cutting industry and can tell how a wood is cut just by hearing the sound. His ears are tuned to the sound after being bowled so many times in the last ten test matches.

So, when these cricketers retire or forced to retire, they do have an alternate profession. As far as Scahin is concerned, no comments. May be he will play a few more years following in the foot steps of Kapil Dev (who frustrated everybody to death) and probably my grandson or granddaughter will watch him scoring that hundredth century that we are all looking forward to.

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Why this “Middle Finger di ?”


The Middle Finger is in the news recently although for all the wrong reasons. It is quite unfortunate that a part of God’s own creation is not given equal importance. All other fingers are used for various purposes and people don’t take offense to them.

Umpires sometimes give completely wrong decisions using the forefinger. Nobody objects to it even if it is used against our own Sachin. We have all used our little finger many times during our childhood to show desperate situations and our teachers have understood and respected it by allowing us to run to the toilet. Children have used their thumb effectively and we call them cute when they are caught sucking it. Another finger which is just next to our villain is the most respected and used for wearing the wedding ring.

As you can see, all fingers have respect – although some more than the other – except our dear Middle Finger.  When people try to give respect to it by raising it, you are fined big time  – sometimes lakhs as Kohli found out recently.

Looks like Middle Finger can do nothing right on its own. Then why did god give this to us ? Every child is told right from day one not to use this but nobody tells why it is there in the first place if it is not to be used.

Probably the only explanation is that it is a very powerful weapon of mass destruction. If used even for a few seconds, it  will be known world wide. It also attracts the attention of everybody around the world. Everybody and his or her uncle knows what it stands for. Only the brave can use it and it is not for weak hearted people.

Now my respect for it has gone up multifold. Thanks Kohli and Ishant. You two have made the Middle Finger proud.

Has Cricket become the play ground of jokers like Mihir Bose and Boria Majumdar ?


Any school kid who is watching debates on TV channels about India’s loss in Australia will immediately run and burn all the cricket gears. I think the “supposed to be experts” on cricket are no better than investment experts on CNBC.

It is a complete comedy when the “so called cricketers” like Atul Wassan and Arun Lal join hands with the football shaped Boria Majumdar and a comedian called Mihir Bose to analyse Indian batting and question the honesty of cricketers.

Till a few days back the same set of guys were hailing the trio of Sachin, VVS Laxman and Dravid. Today, they want their replacements. Till recently Dhoni was Captain Cool – now he is called Captain Clueless.

After all, what has happened for us to jump around like monkeys ? We are losing to a good team like Australia just like good teams get beaten in India. If we can’t play pace, they can’t play spin. Each team is a tiger in its territory. Has any team beaten Sri Lanka in their backyard consistently ?

Now, suddenly we clamour for youth. With the type of analysis and character assassination these guys do, no young cricketer can make it big. We just don’t allow them to succeed. Before scoring centuries, both Hussey and Ponting were on the verge of losing their place. Clarke had failed a dozen times before coming good. But, we can’t tolerate Dravid failing in three innings. We want Sachin to score only centuries – Even sixties and seventies are called failures. Every test defeat is termed national shame. Even England had lost many test matches in a row before becoming the top test team in the world.

Look at the cricketers who are giving expert advice. Arun Lal – 729 runs in 29 test innings and 122 runs in 13 ODIs & Atul Wassan – 10 wickets in 4 test matches and 11 wickets in 9 ODIs. Add to this, Boria Majumdar whose only qualification is that his face is as round as a cricket ball (although a little bigger with lesser shade of red) and Mihir Bose whose only claim to fame is that he is from London and lives closer to Lord’s cricket ground.

The only way forward is to ban these guys from commenting on cricket. It would be nice if Arnab Goswami sticks to his instigating tactics in political field only. Can’t we treat cricket as a sport and start enjoying without getting hyper.

Thank god, I am not a cricketer.

Are We Eternal Cribbers ??


According to my wicked friend, we Indians search for a reason to crib and be unhappy. For some unknown reason, we want all good things to happen to us always. I first dismissed his observation but when I thought over it I could see sense in what my friend was telling.

Let us look at cricket. Till a few years ago, we were very happy to win against Zimbabwe and Bangladesh. We experienced ecstasy whenever we won against Pakisthan. Slowly we started becoming greedy and now we want to win every test match, every one day match, every T-20. We don’t seem to understand that other countries also have some ambition and they also put efforts to achieve their goals.

Take international relations. Till a few years back, we were still a developing country. Not long ago we had reached a stage where government was pledging gold to save the economy. But, now we want to rub shoulders with developed countries and get annoyed when US doesn’t treat us like an equal partner.

When it comes to military, we refuse to believe that China is far more advanced just because we got free only in 1947 from the British and there is lot to catch up. We always compare ourselves with China and start cribbing why we can’t be like them.

Sometimes, our sorrows extend to even good things that we have. We have the best democracy (it is another matter whether we deserve it) but we blame that also for all the corruption and sins in the society. We are sad that we are not Singapore.

What is that which makes us so unhappy ? I don’t know the answer. But, I certainly know what makes us temporarily very proud of ourselves – Sachin’s century.

Mera Bharat Mahan

Happy (??) New year


Good morning 2012.

My wicked friend’s prediction for New Year –

Sachin will finally score his hundredth century and we will all forget Melbourne disaster. TV channels will code and decode his life – how he proved he was a genius right from childhood by holding his diaper like a cricket bat etc for at least one week.

By then, we would have seen a few more batting disasters from Indian team and we will start talking about VVS Laxman’s age, Virat Kohli’s extra curricular nocturnal activities, Shewag’s arrogance and  Gambhir’s bad luck post marriage and why Manoj Tiwari should replace somebody in the team.

Thankfully, by mid Feb, our focus will shift to  elections in Uttar Pradesh and “yuvraj” Rahul Gandhi will start getting eye balls. Every body and his or her grandmother will be on TV predicting election results of 5 states going to polls. Hopefully, Anna and team will be back on TV. I am missing Shazia Ilmi very badly already.

Petrol prices will go up again and economic slowdown will continue but Montek will continue to sing that we are on the right path. Mamta will continue to ruin the sleep of Congress leaders. Meanwhile, some more countries in Europe will run to Germany for help and soon the toughest question on KBC would be “what is Euro ?”

BJP and Congress will continue to disrupt parliament and we will continue to wonder why our politicians are not yet thrown to Arabian sea. It is now time for us to worry about the end of the world – remember 21st December 2012 !!!!. All the more reason for everybody in government to loot everything because anyway there will be nothing to loot after the ‘D’ day.

If we are lucky, we might get one more great bum shaking song from either Katrina or Kareena. Unfortunately, no famous actress (my wicked friend doesn’t believe Lara Dutta or Celina Jaitley as either famous or actress) is known to be pregnant yet and no celebrity birth

Now we know what to expect in the new year.  Happy New year.

Anna – will you end up as the Abhimanyu of today’s Mahabharata ?


My wicked friend who is an ardent follower of Anna, has started throwing up whenever he sees the three musketeers on TV – Kiran Bedi, Arvind Kejriwal and Prashant Bhushan. These  three characters have destroyed the old man Anna both physically and mentally.

Poor Anna is not able to come out of their shackles and struggling. Now he will be forced to do something which will destroy all his reputation once and for all – Campaigning against Congress in assembly polls.

The argument of the three cronies which is parroted by other members of India Against Corruption is the most ridiculous argument ever heard in modern history. Every time they defend their action against Congress, they leave a huge trail of evidence to show that they are working for BJP. Nobody would have bothered about their views but unfortunately they are using Anna’s shoulders to fire their bullets. Here are a few of the contradictions.

They want the Lokpal at the centre but will not utter a word when the bill tries to include Lokayuktas in the state also. BJP doesn’t want this and the three cartoons don’t say a word.

They want Prime Minister under Lokpal but the best Lokayukta passed by BJP excludes the Chief Minister. The three are silent on this and have not uttered one word against this.

They want C and D category under Lokpal. But most Lokayuktas don’t have C and D categories. Again deafening silence.

In one breath, they say the problems of common man has to be solved but in another breath they want control over CBI. It is the Lokayuktas which handle your day to day problem and they don’t have anything to say against states which have no Lokayukta. Gujarat is a classic case of no Lokayukta.

The ultimate insult to intelligence is when people like Kirron Kher and Anupam Kher start participating in debates. They are doing more harm to Anna than any good. They are strengthening the belief that Anna is working for BJP. The only saving grace is the pretty face of Shazia Ilmi. Atleast, she wears designer dresses for TV debates and is there on all channels with a smile.

Poor Anna is like Abhimanyu. He has got into a chakravyuh and but struggling to come out. Let us just pray that his fate will not be the same as that of Abhimanyu.

Not everybody’s brain is in the head


The feeling one goes through when parliament is in session is like a ‘bollywood movie’. You can smile, sob, laugh loudly and cry in a span of one hour. Anyway, parliament is not working beyond one hour these days.

One just can’t but admire the innovative ways that our politicians adopt to stall work. The latest reason is “Russia is banning Bhagwat Gita”. Mr. Lalu Prasad Yadav was jumping up and down on this issue. What he doesn’t realize is that Lord Krishna would himself have banned it in India if he could take another ‘avatar’ today.

Jayalalitha has proved once and for all that you don’t need brain to be a Chief minister. For her, there is no difference between her slippers, sarees and nuclear plant. Everything is considered gifts and she can own and disown them whenever she wants.

The Leaders of BJP have also proved that brain is an unwanted organ of the body. First they boycott Chidambaram and don’t allow him to speak in Parliament. Then they move a privilege motion because he spoke outside parliament when the Parliament is in session !!!.

Less said about Congress leaders, the better. All that they have done in the last 2 years proves that brain was never used to run the country. Add to the above woes, Barka Dutt, Rajdeep Sardesai, Arnab Goswami and  Rahul Kanwal – you have a plateful.

My wicked friend is praying that the satellites which beam the signal go dead for a few days so that we have some respite. Amen !